We're studying Jennifer Rothschild's Walking by Faith. It looks to be a good study, and judging by the ladies who showed up this evening, I think it'll be a good group of people, too. I'm looking forward to spending time with these women - getting to know them beyond their positions in the church, or their roles as mothers. The group will be comprised of women past and present from the church I attend, women from the community, and women from other nearby churches. A beautiful mix of ideas, opinions, situations, passions, fears and triumphs. I am excited to see what the next seven weeks will bring.
Getting ready this evening, though, I found myself working through a deluge of self-doubt. I knew that there might be women present with whom wounds had not healed without scars, and was worried about what they would think of me. I took extra time to make sure that my clothes reflected what I wanted them to - comfortable, casual, but still pretty. I took time to reveal the legs beneath all that hair, for fear that one stray unsightly leg hair would proclaim its presence loudly to all who came near, revealing a particular laziness in my life. (I definately shave my legs for other women and what they might think.) I re-re-redid my hair. I chose not to wear makeup in an effort to look like I hadn't tried too hard.
And all the while I thought about why I was doing these things. Is it really so important what these women might think if they knew I don't regularly shave my legs or that I'm not really very good at putting together an outfit? Why do we care so much, we women?
I still have a lot of thinking to do on this one.
Things that make you go...hmmm! I know it because I do it. It's like choreographing a first date. How do I want them to think of me? I think for me, I feel that I am being judged. I would be lying if I didn't out and out say that I have been judged harshly by women in the past. It's about self preservation for me. Just until I feel safe and can let down my guard. Then the hairy legs and bad outfits come out with a vengeance! :)
ReplyDeleteYAY! Someone else who shaves their legs not for themselves or their hubby, but in case another woman notices!!! Heh heh. I thought I was the only one!
ReplyDeleteMuch grace and perseverance to you on your Bible study! I'm glad that you're going. Sometimes our relationships with other women in our lives are the most scary, but the most encouraging. We are most sensitive to the judgment of other women, but also most blessed by their understanding.